The Flawed Pursuit of Perfection
By: Dr. Holly Brand
If perfection is impossible to reach, why do we strive for it? Is it a deep-seated longing for utopia? Probably not. Most of us intellectually understand that we live in a fallen world where true perfection is unattainable.
More often it is the age-old identity issue. When our identities are wrapped up in our performance and what others think, we will consistently strive to do more and be more. According to mental health expert Tanya Peterson, M.S., a perfectionist pushes himself or herself to never make a mistake and to perform flawlessly. Because if the performance is flawed, the performer is flawed too, so the perfectionist believes erroneously.
The perfectionist’s mind is rarely at ease. If something is askew, a perfectionist will almost automatically notice, because of the focus on overall perfection. Perfectionists may also have a tendency toward feeling down because things aren’t perfect, even though they’ve striven for such. Disappointment and frustration often accompany perfectionism.
The perfectionist’s relationships are impacted by often unattainable high standards. Not only does the perfectionist impose very high standards on self, but others as well. This can set the stage for chronic frustration on the part of the one “not measuring up” and chronic disappointment on the part of the one doing the measuring.
In all of Scripture, arguably most people’s favorite perfectionist is Martha, sister of Mary and Lazarus. Imagine the scene: Jesus and His disciples have dropped in for a visit. If ever you want everything to be perfect, wouldn’t it be when Jesus is in your living room? That appeared to be Martha’s perspective and she dove head-long into the many preparations and details of serving her guests. Ultimately she gets irritated with her sister Mary who isn’t rising to the same standard that Martha holds for herself. She shares this irritation with, of all people, Jesus, and says to Him, “Lord, do You not care that my sister has left me to do the work by myself? Tell her to help me” (Luke 10:40). Jesus, the essence of wisdom, exposes the close cousins of perfectionism: worry and anxiety. He replies, “Martha, Martha, you are worried and upset about many things, but only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen what is better and it will not be taken away from her” (Luke 10:41–42).
Worry, anxiety, and perfectionism. Which came first? It is hard to say, but given that thoughts precede behavior, it would appear that perfectionism is driven by underlying worrisome and anxious thoughts. According to psychiatrist Dr. Edward Hallowell, 25 percent of Americans will meet the criteria for an anxiety disorder in their lifetime and more than 50 percent of us are chronic worriers. Other studies point out that anxiety and perfectionism enhance one another (Peterson, 2014; Gregerson & Horwitz, 2002; Stober & Joormann, 2001). Anxious thoughts such as fear of failure, not being good enough, not being approved of and meeting the expectations of others, etc. often become translated into perfectionistic striving. Interestingly, very recent data suggests that today’s young people perceive that they are more demanding of themselves and others, and others are more demanding of them. According to the researchers, perfectionism has increased by 33 percent since 1989, largely driven by social media and its portrayal of seemingly perfect lives (Curran & Hill, 2017).
What’s the fix? Descartes said it like this, “I think, therefore I am.” King Solomon said it like this in Proverbs 23:7: “As a man (or woman) thinks in his heart, so is he.” The bottom line is that if you want to change your behavior, perfectionist or otherwise, you have to change the thinking that drives the behavior.
Healthy alternative thoughts/behaviors to perfectionism:
- No one is perfect. I’ll strive for my best, but it won’t be, and doesn’t have to be, perfect.
- Seek and maintain perspective. Often the minor details that ensnare a perfectionist’s thinking don’t ultimately matter. Ask myself: will this matter in one week, one month, one year, etc? Prioritize and pursue the truly important things in life.
- Focus on the things that are right, rather than ruminating on the things that are “wrong.”
- Rather than viewing failure as intolerable, I choose to view it as a wonderful learning opportunity, knowing that some of my greatest growth can come through mistakes and shortcomings.
- Set realistic, rather than idealistic, goals.
- Limit the influence of social media and avoid self-comparison. Do the best with what I’ve been given, rather than being overly influenced by what others are seemingly able to do.
- My worth and value as a person have nothing to do with my performance or abilities. I am wonderfully made and my value is secure because of the exorbitant price that Jesus paid for me on the Cross. Let my heart be teachable and focused on these nuggets of truth about who I am.
- Look for humor in the imperfect — it is everywhere.
- God sees the best in me. His grace frees me from striving. It accepts. It heals. And it equips me to give the gift of grace to others (Savage, 2018).
- The moment I find myself in is just as important as the moment I had planned to be in (Savage, 2018).
Recognizing that the battlefield is always the mind is a life-changer. By living in the reality of life’s beautiful chaos, you just might discover that life is far more perfectly satisfying than you ever thought possible.
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Curran, T. & Hill, A. (2017). Perfectionism Is Increasing Over Time: A Meta-Analysis of Birth Cohort Differences From 1989 to 2016. Psychological Bulletin. December 28, 2017.
Hallowell, E. (1997). Worry: Controlling It and Using It Wisely. New York: Pantheon.
Gregerson, T. & Horwitz, E. (2002). Language Learning and Perfectionism: Anxious and Non-Anxious Language Learners’ Reactions to Their Own Oral Performance. The Modern Language Journal. Vol. 86, Issue 4.
Peterson, T. (2014). The Link Between Perfectionism and Anxiety. HealthyPlace.com.
Savage, J. (2018). Perfect isn’t the Point. Focus on the Family.org.
Stober, J. & Joormann, J. (2001). Worry, Procrastination, and Perfectionism: Differentiating Amount of Worry, Pathological Worry, Anxiety, and Depression. Cognitive Therapy and Research. Vol. 25, №1.
About the Author
Dr. Holly Brand is a Professor of psychology at Missouri Baptist University in St. Louis. She has a doctoral degree in psychology from Saint Louis University and specializes in the area of child, adolescent, and adult development. Dr. Brand is a member of the Society for the Teaching of Psychology, the Society for Christian Psychology, and the American Association of Christian Counselors. Dr. Brand is a public speaker, author, and mentor and incorporates her knowledge of and experience in psychology in these roles as well. In 2017, Dr. Brand was presented with the Missouri Baptist University Distinguished Professor of the Year award.
